Forgetting ourselves to suit others

We so often dress ourselves in ill-fitting suits to please others. We twist ourselves in knots and become ‘pleaser pretzels’, trying to look and act like what we think others expect of us: our parents, our boss, our partners and even our friends and children. We distort ourselves, and forget our true selves, to fit a mould that someone else created for us.

I was inspired to write this post by a Tara Brach podcast and the fable of Zumbach’s suits (as told by Ram Dass). It’s a story of a highly respected village tailor, who creates custom-made suits from the finest fabric. One day a man, who has recently succeeded in business, goes to see the tailor, to be fitted for an expensive suit. When the man returns to try on, and pay for, the suit it doesn’t fit. One sleeve is much longer than the other. The tailor, who does not like backtalk from his customers, tells him, ‘Nonsense! It’s the way you are standing‘. He pushes the man’s shoulder hard until the sleeves appear even. But then the material bunches at the back and creates a bulge in the fabric. The man explains that his wife doesn’t like to see him in a suit that doesn’t fit well across the back. So, the tailor shoves the man’s head forward until the suit appears to fit. The man leaves the tailors confused, but pays for the suit in full.

Later that day, the same man, standing with shoulders hunched and his head strained forward, encounters someone who admires his fine suit. The stranger asks, ‘Who made your beautiful suit? Was it Zumbach?’. The man replies in surprise, ‘Yes, but how did you know?’. The stranger answers:

Only a tailor as brilliant as Zumbach could outfit a body as crippled as yours‘.

There was never anything wrong with the man’s body. He was perfect as he was, yet he had contorted and changed himself to please another.

When we are truly accepted for who we are, those who love us love us as we are and don’t try to change us. When we truly love ourselves, we love and accept every element of ourselves, even if it doesn’t appear to fit with society’s standards of ‘acceptable‘ or ‘normal‘. When we deny ourselves, we live in constant conflict between our true selves and the outside world.

Be yourself and expand into, and enjoy, the unique and special mould you were born with.

Exercising out of love not fear

How many of us listen to music or watch TV when we are exercising? The answer: most of us. We are thinking about what we are hearing or seeing – an external stimulus – and not about the movement and feel of our bodies. The mind and body are disconnected.

Many of us exercise out of fear, rather than love. When we exercise from a place of fear we are exercising to: lose weight, stay in our current dress size, look like the ‘perfect’ being we’ve just seen on Instagram, beat our previous time or distance, keep up with up our perceived competition, brag to our friends or burn off the extra calories we feel guilty about. It may seem to come from a positive place, but it is borne of fear: fear of feeling inadequate and less than those we are comparing ourselves to, or of being rejected by our parents, friends or society.

When we exercise from a place of love, we exercise to: take care of ourselves and boost our mood through ‘happy hormones’ (dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin). When we exercise out of love for ourselves, we lose the fear that keeps us stuck where we are and can ultimately make us sick. Love and fear cannot coexist. When we exercise out of love for ourselves and our bodies, our mind and body are connected. There is no conflict between what the mind is thinking and the body is doing. We are whole and can truly appreciate what our bodies can do for us.

So, the next time you are exercising, try to lose the fear and just ‘be‘ in your body and appreciate what an incredible vessel it is. Exercise out of love for yourself and try to just enjoy it for how it makes you feel and the amazing health benefits it offers you.

And if you are suffering from chronic pain, know that:

the endorphins you are producing are your body’s natural pain reliever

the dopamine you produce helps with your motor system function

the serotonin you produce helps you to sleep better

and the oxytocin you produce helps promote trust and bonding in your relationships

Above all, don’t forget: Your body is not broken. It is strong, and so are you.

The problem with TMS.. that it can be a (bleep!!****) to shift! Here’s what got me thinking:

I just got back from a 12k run and now I’m scared to bend down and take my shoes off….what the hell?! I had to have a word with myself: “You have just comfortably run 12k on dirt tracks, grass and road. You can certainly bend down to take your shoes without experiencing pain”.

So, what did I do? I bent down in the most relaxed way I possibly could, (it still twinged a little) took off my shoes, then bent down 5 more times more confidently just to tell my brain it was OK! And it was.

I cannot possibly do justice to the work of physician and TMS rock star Dr John Sarno without quoting him directly. I hate to stumble over my words when there are important messages to share:

..psychological stress occurs from a negative perception of events. when we think we want some specific thing – but in our judgement – we got something else, or nothing at all, we become stressed.

Tension is the body’s physical response to that stress. Stress is perceived within the mind, and tension is real within the body. TMS is a real physical mindbody effect that begins as a perception within, and permeates the corporeal body as crippling pain, illness and fatigue (from the book ‘Dr John Sarno’s Top 10 Healing Discoveries’ by Steve Ozanich).

Dr. Sarno contended that you don’t always have to eliminate the tension to heal, but it certainly helps if you can. The idea in tension reduction is to change the perception of the need to fight or flee to one of surrendering, and the body will not react as strongly (from the same book).

We hold fear, anger, sorrow and resentment in our bodies to protect ourselves from the pain of really experiencing the full brunt of the pain those emotions cause us, and to maintain the persona – to show that, outwardly, everything is going well in our lives. The problem is that those feelings are held in the body as unpleasant physical sensations unless we deal with them. Many of these thoughts threaten our ego and we’re too concerned with how others perceive us, so we push those feelings downwards and inwards.

Most people see TMS as a weakness, but it isn’t. Strong, kind, generous, thoughtful and selfless people are classic TMS sufferers. They hide their emotions for the sake of others, constantly putting their own needs on the back burner. They don’t want to accept or recognise that these perpetual acts of pleasing others and not themselves is building resentment within them – “No, I’m not a mean and angry person! I’m perfectly happy to serve others…… needs are unimportant…….it’s all fine”. The TMS protective mechanism acts as a ‘crutch that keeps the person walking, but crippled’ (Steve Ozanich).

Pain is the mind’s way of telling us we have unmet needs and unresolved emotions. Fear of facing these is the great motivator for the cycle to continue. Running from it feeds it, keeping it alive, allowing it to manifests in various physical and psychological forms.

The only thing that satisfies the hunger of fear is surrender – to who you are, to what already is, to Truth (Steve Ozanich).

This is my lesson to you, and to me. Love, accept and forgive yourself, and the rest will follow xx